Who am I then?

I am 30 something woman who emigrated to foregin country , by clear coincidence. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a stranger, the neighbour, the owner, an employee, a  leader, a frightened individual with mind full of worry. I would love to give all that away for a moment, in exchange for a moment of calmness and peace. I do not enjoy sex as much as I did before, and I realised that I really don't have to be loved, as I don't love as much as I should and I have the unconditional love of my child and I love him dearly. I am frightened of everything, what it means - I am unsettleld, I worry  every minute of every hour of every day and avery week , or mayby not as much - there are peacful minutes there, they has to be. I am constantly tired, like I don't know how to relax, and I think about the worsed.

The GP diagnosed me with anxiety and depression , not clearly specified. But there is more to that. I have an eating disorder, not specified by doctor - thay think I have bulimia , but they never check that, so in my mind is unspecified ED. I make myself sick at least 4 times a week , althrough there are days where I make myself vomit 5 times a day, overeat at least 6 days a week it can come to 14-16 times a week. I remember some days of not eating, or not purge or binge. But no one bother to check what is actually wrong with me. I feel like I am left alone in the mud, no help around, no one bothers about me.

I am taking fluoxetine and propranolol for quiet some time now, does it help? I don't really know deep down I think it doesn't. But what I know I am not a doctor, as they think. The GP is convinced that I really suffer of depression , but I actually don't as I am not constantly sad and miserable. I am tired and worried which is more of anxiety, which I would agree I have. But there is more, I harm myself , I cut my legs, I hit myself, I smack my face, I pull my hair, and I am angry. I am so angry at times that I hate myself. I am getting furious on myself not only on people around me. It is like acting in, but there are moments of acting out as well. I will lose pacience with closest people in my life but very rearly with people I work with or I don't care about. I frighten my son by shouting at him , and then he hides behind daddy and I am not moved by it , until I realise after a couple of minutes that I scared the shit out of him ( excuse the language). I will get angry on myself for no reason it is just matter of minutes.

Forgetfulness is not to much of an issue to me, just because I think I am forgetting bad things which had happened. Amazingly I remember everything very well till I had put it right , and then I forget. Like with work if somethink bothers me , I remember it untill I speak about it with someone, and when I  will trust that the issue will be resolved, then my mind erases this. Why? I'm not sure myself, but that is annoying , on the other side it doesn't bother me much. It is frustrating as sometimes people ask me about it and I am unable to discuss it, simply because I don't remember.

Depressed - am I? Hmmm ..., I am somehow , I fell like there is part of me which is depressed. On the other hand I feel so alone and worthless, it is like differend world to me. I feel left out, not depressed as much, but even if I am depressed the sadness I feel is differend. I just can not explain , the more I think about it the more I am convined that I am not depressed , or maybe I am compleatly wrong and live in denail. It is difficult to say.

Actually I am freaking out right now , as my husband went out to see his friend , here is midnight already and he isn't home yet. I am sick worried that something might had happened to him. He has the phone on him , but I havent got the number to call him, which is very bad. I am so anxious that my heart is pounding , and my pressure is higher than it should be. I was so tired today and now I can not sleep , I have a mild head ache , because of this idiot being out there and not carying about me whatsoever. I am at home waiting for him and he is not comming back!
This really annoys me , and makes me very angry, I feel this bloody pain of uncertianity and it deives me mad. I JUST CALLED HIM ON HIS UK NUMBER AND NO ANSWER, GRRRY!
This just makes me more angry, and as I am worried about him , I want to scream at him, so irresponsible. Like a child , and he is a grown up idiot who can not think that I might be worried about him.

now another call went straight to the voice mail, where the hell is he?

And how I can cope with all that shit, the anxiety is reaching the roof, because of one dickhead who dosen't think.

I am honestly freaking out , send him a text and I am waiting for his reply.

Good night xoxo

So I am , Lonely , miserable, tired, anxious, and everything possible you can add to this list. My dreams are frightening me , they are just unbelievable , today for example I dreamed about my husband and I told him that instead of drinking with mates he has to do some other things and he got upset and run up and down the road so angry, it was so weird. The dreams doesn't make sense at all , but they are so annoying because I am unable to undorstand non of them.
So this year I was with the whole family , it felt nice to be surrounded by people over Christmass, my son had his birthday and loved when everyone sing him happy birthday. He was so happy:)
I am like a shadow at times , I am worried and anxious and I am unsure why this is happening . I feel like I am loosing at times. I just hate the thoughts of destruction, and I dodn't like to be worried but I am. I want to be able to relax , but I can't . I don't know if it is enythink to do with the environment or not. I am constantly tired and could sleep forever if I could. I wish I could be a worry free person. But I am not.

Still fighting ED and the weird thing is that I don't have to make myself sick by putting fingers in my mouth to get sick, I will go to the toilet and just be sick I would throw up without need to put fingers in. Which makes me feel good, as when I throw up I bend by the toilet and food is comming out of me. I am unable to control my eating , I will shuffle everythink what I can find eat, eat, eat, and then I hate myself for eating so much and then I cause vomiting as this is the only way to rid of the food from my stomache. I wish I could be in control , but I am not, I am so weak and this makes me upset. I wish I could be in control and it make me frustrated because I am not.

Dreams

As we come over to see our families I stafdted to be anxious every day and every minute. I have bad dreams I dreamed of my uncle having sex with me, I dreamed that I left work climing cknstructive dismissal as K. Was making acusations towards me and the store manager didn't believe me. So I felt really hurt and it didn't matter for me I just left saying that I will be contacting the head office in relation to the situation. Then there was another dream which I don't really remember but still I feel very unsettled and kind a upset.

then again the pain

And again the pain so overwhelming like I can't even cry. The mind so damaged that I cannot think. My body so damaged that the muscles ache, my head so heavy from the pain. I feel like a disaster , as nothing is fine. Again disappointment , there is no trust, I am so foolish believing wrong people. I trust and then get stabbed, in my back, by those I thought were honest and truthful. But now I realise that there is no truth , no honesty, no wishing people well. 

I am broken and my heart is squashed by people who were around me for whole my life. I got disappointed so many times in my life that I can not count. I got hurt, and I didn't learn the lesson I am tired of all that. I wish I wouldn't care, I wish I wouldn't trust. I feel like an odd one in the herd, why ?

Because I feel so excluded and I rearely fit with others , on the other hand I wear my mask. I will adjust to the situation I am in , and I will act like the people around me. How weird is that?

Does anyone here feel that way? Is there another person who actually feel and see that it is depending on the environment they are in, for them to act different ways. I am smart and use really smart phrases when I need to show that I am intelligent. At work I am simple and straight, professional and honest, hardworking and helpful. At home I am myself, I think, the most. My mask is very light I only fake it in front of my husband and son , I don't want them to know how I really feel , that I might be hurt, and sad, and suffering. I will act like nothing happened, when actually I scream inside and if I only could I would tear myself to small pieces. I am screaming inside but no one hears me , I want to ask for help but I can't. How pathetic that is , but on the other hand I do survive, I survive my past so I will survive the future. I just feel so much pain, how to stop it? If I will stop it would I miss it?

God , I am so exhausted , physically and mentally and disappointed so much by everyone in the world. If I only had a courage to stop it all, I would. But I am a coward, and I am afraid, and a failier. I feel just completely numb, life is bloody hard .