I am still here

I know I haven't been on the blog for some time now. I am just so extremely busy. I am going to the gym at least 5 times a week doing something about my weight and I lost 9kg which is alright for the period of 6-7 weeks. I still binge and I will make myself sick to rid of it . But I am calmer more than before, although I didn't have much time so I didn't renew my prescriptions and honestly I miss my dose of fluoxetine. I feel eager at times and so angry at myself . I still cut my legs and I am tired of my life at times. I have these visions like I would stab myself with a knife or anything else just to hurt myself as I feel so much pain inside. I want to be a better mum for my child and it makes me upset when he doesn't listen to me nither do what I ask him to do. But there is my fault in that as well as if there wasn't he wouldn't do it and he would obey whatever I ask of him.

I started counselling last Monday and I am just waiting for their call to say when my sessions can start , so CBT wasn't for me as I had found out that first I need to know the roots of my problem and then I can take some steps to deal with that. The person who assessed me first - on Monday was so nice- I FEEL LIKE THIS IS IT .  I feel like this is the right way to go for me. I didn't feel that with the Right Steps so now I feel like I am doing the right thing. 

I am still confused about everything and I need a bit of time to myself but this can wait , I like that I am so occupied and this makes me feel good . I am tired but this is good this eats my energy and I am more in control.

I will try to update more , I hope it will work .

xoxo

past 3 weeks

I have been here all the time, I just didn't had a power to write. Few things happened during that time. My parents came over to visit, my dad left on sunday my mother is staying longer . O well I have a bit of time to myself then. I had signed up with the local gym, and I will be trying to get there at least 4 days a week. I hope I could stick to it well. I had an argument at work and I left my workplace unauthorised , but I felt belittled and so small , I had to leave. I cut my hair very short , and I called counselling service - to arrange the assessment. I feel tired and upset but on the other hand I am motivated , but hell I binge so much and I am so tired of all that . Sad , huh

husband

I hate my husband so much he is such a pain. He is constantly busy with his own tasks not helping me at all , when I ask him to do something he does hesitate to do it. Until the point when I can not handle it and I would shout at him or simply hit him hard , whenever. I don't think about it until it's done . Today for example I asked him to take rubbish out and he told me he doesn't have his shoes on nither empty hands. But he actually could take the bin bag to throw it away. I got very upset I told him how useless he is and took rubbish out myself. I really do everything by myself. I hit him in the shoulder really hard as well that the punch cause his hand to feel funny. Never mind I don't care. I am so angry with him now that nothig could possibly change it.

I am so angry because he is freeking lazy, I do undorstand the times when you are out of power and you are phisically unable to do anything , just lay in bed and sllep. But he can not be like that always , can he?!
I thiought he would be more of help when he will go part time, as he took a part time job with NHS. He finishes his job at 12 midday, is back home around 13.30 and does nothing. I work full time and on top of that I have my fucking depression and whatever disorder I have , ten doc appointments, son nursery now it will be school , our family pet , cleaning , cooking and everything else .Grrrrryyy I am so bloody angry just want to scream and tear my hair off my head. I am calm outside because I have my parents at home , probably if they werent here that will be a home war, between me and him.

What I want is just a fucking help, with the housework , not only laying down with his phone nither playing on xbox constantly. This doesn't benefit us as a family, he is so stupid I think at times that I want a divorce as I know I would only blame myself if something would be wrong as I will be on my own. Right?!
Just feeling fed up and angry.

CBT continue

I had attended the CBT introduction and got in to conclusion that this will not be a good thing for me, I had spoken to one of the therapist and she advised that it would be best if I will try counselling. So I got the phone number and email and I should contact them asap. But I hesitate. Why?

I am just afraid to do it, and I am sure that I need someone to listen to me and this will be a good thing for me. So I have to gather myself together and call. That's just a phone call, but it makes me afraid for some reason and I am not sure afraid of what.

I am tired of being afraid and I want to sort it out my life and find out what is there in my mind.

I have to learn to be courageous.