past 3 weeks

I have been here all the time, I just didn't had a power to write. Few things happened during that time. My parents came over to visit, my dad left on sunday my mother is staying longer . O well I have a bit of time to myself then. I had signed up with the local gym, and I will be trying to get there at least 4 days a week. I hope I could stick to it well. I had an argument at work and I left my workplace unauthorised , but I felt belittled and so small , I had to leave. I cut my hair very short , and I called counselling service - to arrange the assessment. I feel tired and upset but on the other hand I am motivated , but hell I binge so much and I am so tired of all that . Sad , huh

husband

I hate my husband so much he is such a pain. He is constantly busy with his own tasks not helping me at all , when I ask him to do something he does hesitate to do it. Until the point when I can not handle it and I would shout at him or simply hit him hard , whenever. I don't think about it until it's done . Today for example I asked him to take rubbish out and he told me he doesn't have his shoes on nither empty hands. But he actually could take the bin bag to throw it away. I got very upset I told him how useless he is and took rubbish out myself. I really do everything by myself. I hit him in the shoulder really hard as well that the punch cause his hand to feel funny. Never mind I don't care. I am so angry with him now that nothig could possibly change it.

I am so angry because he is freeking lazy, I do undorstand the times when you are out of power and you are phisically unable to do anything , just lay in bed and sllep. But he can not be like that always , can he?!
I thiought he would be more of help when he will go part time, as he took a part time job with NHS. He finishes his job at 12 midday, is back home around 13.30 and does nothing. I work full time and on top of that I have my fucking depression and whatever disorder I have , ten doc appointments, son nursery now it will be school , our family pet , cleaning , cooking and everything else .Grrrrryyy I am so bloody angry just want to scream and tear my hair off my head. I am calm outside because I have my parents at home , probably if they werent here that will be a home war, between me and him.

What I want is just a fucking help, with the housework , not only laying down with his phone nither playing on xbox constantly. This doesn't benefit us as a family, he is so stupid I think at times that I want a divorce as I know I would only blame myself if something would be wrong as I will be on my own. Right?!
Just feeling fed up and angry.

CBT continue

I had attended the CBT introduction and got in to conclusion that this will not be a good thing for me, I had spoken to one of the therapist and she advised that it would be best if I will try counselling. So I got the phone number and email and I should contact them asap. But I hesitate. Why?

I am just afraid to do it, and I am sure that I need someone to listen to me and this will be a good thing for me. So I have to gather myself together and call. That's just a phone call, but it makes me afraid for some reason and I am not sure afraid of what.

I am tired of being afraid and I want to sort it out my life and find out what is there in my mind.

I have to learn to be courageous.

looser

Why it feels so weird?

I feel like I am in a movie kind of a thing. I feel like I look at everything from a perspective of a viewer.

I don't understand that, it makes me feel anxious it bring some weird memories back, which I am fully unable to put in place, I don't know why I feel that way. I feel worried and can't stop that feeling, On the other hand it is understandable because you can not work on something you don't understand.

It was pretty good, lazy day today. The bad thing is that I eat and eat and eat. I though I won't go to the toilet to throw out, I did it only once. Now I feel heavy and uncomfortable as I eat sandwiches and had tea, but I don't want to go and vomit all out. I feel tired and sad , my mind goes completely blank at times. I hate to be anxious and I don't like this worrying feeling in my chest. I wish I could change it , but can I?

I can probably with motivation and positive thinking, I should be able to pull it through, but do I want that ? On the other side? Maybe I meant to be worried and sad, with my mask on when facing people around me or when working.

I am ashamed of my mental problems and I don't discuss that with anyone. I don't feel comfortable to talk to people about it as I think they will think I am crazy. I don't want to be judged, it is enough that I make myself miserable at times because of all the feelings I have. I wish I could push the button and it will make everything so easy and simple. I can't and that's the problem, I am unable to take charge of my life, I am not in control and when I am realising that it makes me more frustrated and unhappy. Why I can not control my actions and behaviour at times, why I can not be in charge of my life? I am weak, very weak I give up a lot without any logical reason. When I was younger and prettier I was somehow in charge. I choose the people I meet on my way, I choose who I slept with and at times I felt so dirty and disgusting. I was behaving like a whore, sleeping with a man around. Not feeling any guilt, only at times I felt like this was wrong, I got paid for sex so many times. But on the other hand I needed the money, so this was kind of a solution for me. I am unable to do that now as my body is disgusting me, I have so many stretch marks all over and in such a weird place that I am ashamed to get naked in front of my husband, the other thing is that I am so bloody  fat that I hate to show that to others. Even if I want sometimes. I need to lose weight and if I will I will be more comfortable with myself , my confidence will improve and I might be able to go out and do things around. Why I am not determined enough? 

I feel odd, like I am in my own world, bad fantasy world when nothing goes as I planned. It is sad to even think about it. As no one even read those posts I am not even worried that I will have someone who knows me reading it . Never mind I just let the emotions out.