I am lost, and sad, and angry and anxious and annoyed, it's raining, I'm bored and tired and sleepy and I have a heartburn and want a smoke, and light headache. I'm miserable and fed up with life and work and hating the feelings I have, and considering that, one day I possibly could rid of that mood swings, aggression and sadness makes me feel like I will lose a part of who I am and I will miss that old me. But I want to feel happy and not worry, I want to be free of worries and stop thinking of the worst.
I just want to survive and be the best I can for my son and hubby, and have a better fulfilling life, is that too much to ask?
Saturday, 28 April 2012
Friday, 27 April 2012
I will tell you the reasons why I don't trust people , why I think that most of them "normal" people are lying, cheating, bullying, manipulating, ignoring and defying chances and possibilities.
I was off from work, as you already know because of the stress they caused me at work, I actually started to cut myself because of that although I am scared of blood and wounds, and doing it. I had cut my arms and upper legs, and you know what this actually release the pain, the pain I feel inside this overwhelming pressure in my chest which stop me from thinking, breathing and living - I think I actually exist not live a life, which is sad. Anyway I was harming myself in different ways, abusing my body to relief the pressure but cutting is something you cannot explain. This gives me control, I know it's weird but I feel good while cutting. But after that seeing those scars I hate myself, why the hell I'm doing it? I don't know it just feels right. Why now? I'm 32- almost -cutting myself, irresponsible, selfish and so wrong but there is more to that.
I hate people at work the management doesn't have people skills , they are hypocrites and arrogants with the high pay which makes me so angry. They suppose to help, but they never have the time for you, they think they make right decisions but they don't they are lucky enough to have people working for them, I think in big corporations there is nothink you can really do about it, good practice is in policies and procedures but it is just a written statement, people act differently, it is all in job training so generally speaking those are generation of people who work for the company with knowledge and behavior of someone who worked there 60 years ago it's habit which people developed. The stupid will survive becoming one of them, smart will die quickly as they will strip them from the pride they will make them feel useless and undervalued, they will throw the rocks under their feet for them to fall hard as they don't want to become their donkeys who will do everything to satisfy the boss who is wrong. In my company I was a trainee team leader, after 6 months they said Iam perfect person to help out manager of the other section to run it, stupid me believed them and accept the position without first rethinking it. The next day I knew that I want to be back to the section I was working on before so I said to the deputy manager that I want to go back, he was unhappy with that after a few days he said he will bring me back to the role I had previously. I waited 3 months for that, still naively and foolishly believe in the good heart of the big fat bully. Then I was back, but it wasn't as before, I had less responsibilities, I have been given jobs of supervisors or general assistants, I was undervalued and start to feel less and less needed, I felt worthless, hopeless, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to help others, I didn't feel like there are any perspectives for me there. And the striking point was when I had been called for a meeting with my senior manager who informed me that he feels like I need t step down, the reasons were I'm not mature enough, I'm not genuine enough , but hold on, 3 months back I had this same meeting and he was saying totally opposite things. I was defending myself , but at the end of the days I decided that you can not win with an idiot, and so I stepped down. Foolish and naive again. I was even less appreciated still paid as a supervisor but doing crap jobs, then I got to the point that I couldn't live like that, I was hurt, I had panic attacks, I was scared to go to work, I was nauseous, my hands were sweating , anxiety reached the breaking point. I got a sick note for 2 weeks. When I came back my stupid manager done return to work for me, asking if there is any thing they can do to help me - I wanted to reduce my hours of work and be a team leader back again. It didn't happen, I had been told that if I want reduced hours I will have to be a supervisor, as there is nothing they can do because business needs require that. That's so not the truth, but anyway never mind. I had a chat with our HR manager about my sickness I have told her everything and she even didn't try to help me , she was in such denial, she was listening that was the only good thing she did for me. They are liars, peasants, irresponsible dumbasses who doesn't know nothing about life and their employees.I hate my job.
I hate people at work the management doesn't have people skills , they are hypocrites and arrogants with the high pay which makes me so angry. They suppose to help, but they never have the time for you, they think they make right decisions but they don't they are lucky enough to have people working for them, I think in big corporations there is nothink you can really do about it, good practice is in policies and procedures but it is just a written statement, people act differently, it is all in job training so generally speaking those are generation of people who work for the company with knowledge and behavior of someone who worked there 60 years ago it's habit which people developed. The stupid will survive becoming one of them, smart will die quickly as they will strip them from the pride they will make them feel useless and undervalued, they will throw the rocks under their feet for them to fall hard as they don't want to become their donkeys who will do everything to satisfy the boss who is wrong. In my company I was a trainee team leader, after 6 months they said Iam perfect person to help out manager of the other section to run it, stupid me believed them and accept the position without first rethinking it. The next day I knew that I want to be back to the section I was working on before so I said to the deputy manager that I want to go back, he was unhappy with that after a few days he said he will bring me back to the role I had previously. I waited 3 months for that, still naively and foolishly believe in the good heart of the big fat bully. Then I was back, but it wasn't as before, I had less responsibilities, I have been given jobs of supervisors or general assistants, I was undervalued and start to feel less and less needed, I felt worthless, hopeless, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to help others, I didn't feel like there are any perspectives for me there. And the striking point was when I had been called for a meeting with my senior manager who informed me that he feels like I need t step down, the reasons were I'm not mature enough, I'm not genuine enough , but hold on, 3 months back I had this same meeting and he was saying totally opposite things. I was defending myself , but at the end of the days I decided that you can not win with an idiot, and so I stepped down. Foolish and naive again. I was even less appreciated still paid as a supervisor but doing crap jobs, then I got to the point that I couldn't live like that, I was hurt, I had panic attacks, I was scared to go to work, I was nauseous, my hands were sweating , anxiety reached the breaking point. I got a sick note for 2 weeks. When I came back my stupid manager done return to work for me, asking if there is any thing they can do to help me - I wanted to reduce my hours of work and be a team leader back again. It didn't happen, I had been told that if I want reduced hours I will have to be a supervisor, as there is nothing they can do because business needs require that. That's so not the truth, but anyway never mind. I had a chat with our HR manager about my sickness I have told her everything and she even didn't try to help me , she was in such denial, she was listening that was the only good thing she did for me. They are liars, peasants, irresponsible dumbasses who doesn't know nothing about life and their employees.I hate my job.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
they think they know
What do they know?! People around me don't have an idea what is going on in my head and they think they are able to help. I hate that, if by any chance I share my feelings with someone I don't want pity, but assurance that they will listen and won't judge and won't say that " I understand" because they don't ! I would love to meet someone on my way who won't feel like they are the smartest, and they won't say "o come on take it easy, relax, don't worry" I think that really makes me upset. On the other hand I believe that they have my best in heart, but my mind is saying different things. I feel lost and .... so alone, and empty, because of those feelings. When people ask me how I am I will put my mask on and say I'm fine, but inside I scream from pain. How can you say to others what do you feel if you know they wouldn't be able to understand, It's better not to talk about it. It's just so hard to live with that, all those fears and emotions. Feeling like you are so insane and everyone actually knows that. I try my best to trust others, but what I have found out is that everyone will disappoint me every single time. It is so irritating and frustrating and so indescribable, like I want to scream in their face how fake they are and so plastic. I can not believe that people think they know everything, and that they are able to change your thoughts or tell you just forget it, chill out, get over it. I got angry because if I could do that I wouldn't be in that bad place I am currently, and if I could chill out I would do that, but I can't and that's my problem.
GP
I'm so angry at the doctor I have seen today! She just made me feel like my feelings and concerns are NORMAL. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, she made me feel stupid and foolish. It was another doctor the 4th in the line, I couldn't book an appointment with the one I had seen a few weeks back.
I went there for my medication and ask if the Right Steps mention anything about my assessment they have done a few weeks back. I was expecting that they did send a letter to my GP stating what is wrong with me, I wanted to know if there was diagnosis for the way I feel and think.
The question I asked was "I would like to know if I have a diagnosis for the way I feel?". I need to know if it is anxiety or depression or personality disorder or all of that together or separately or if it's something different, that I didn't think of. I was hoping as well to have my medication prescribed in a higher dose, as it has not been working well for me recently.
What she told me was that all people have anxiety and it isn't a problem, as stress can cause that. Regarding my mood swings she said everyone have better and worse days. When I asked her about diagnosis she said is really hard to diagnose someone as they don't want to label anyone. All answers I got today were dismissing and unhelpful. If I am actually all good and it is just a temporary thing why on earth I felt it for the whole my life? Why now it's come to me with such an impact that I can not think about anything clearly, I forget things, I can't concentrate, I'm so sad, empty, lonely, feel like people at work are lying to me constantly, I trust no one but I tell them about all the pressure and feelings I have, I hate myself because I'm week. I harm myself , and actually find a better way than before. I am not banging my head, now I am scratching, it leaves bad marks but it lets me somehow control my urge to self harm as when I see what I have done and how bad it looks like, I think. I just wish I could find a quick solution for all my feelings to go away or at least reduce the amount of the emotions I feel.
Anyway going back to my GP, she just was terrible she made me feel like I am making myself mentally ill, as emotions and feelings I have are normal. It sucks, terribly, big time! I thought that I have to kill myself for doctors actually to see that I really need help, but then it will be too late. I am already tired of all the effort I had put into contacting GP and going through all the details of the feelings and emotions I'm experiencing. Now for them to tell me that they cannot diagnose me it's pointless, and makes me so angry as they don't put enough effort in finding out for me - at least it is what I feel. They could possibly arrange appointment for me with mental health services just to have a proper assessment done by a professional who actually is experienced in the field, but no , there was no effort from GP- they are useless, incompetent, generally not trusted and very unhelpful. They don't understand and what is worst they don't want to understand, they cannot feel what you feel and for them is such a normal thing to judge you without realising how much pain they cause you. Fore more she made me feel belittle, very upset and completely disappointed.
I went there for my medication and ask if the Right Steps mention anything about my assessment they have done a few weeks back. I was expecting that they did send a letter to my GP stating what is wrong with me, I wanted to know if there was diagnosis for the way I feel and think.
What she told me was that all people have anxiety and it isn't a problem, as stress can cause that. Regarding my mood swings she said everyone have better and worse days. When I asked her about diagnosis she said is really hard to diagnose someone as they don't want to label anyone. All answers I got today were dismissing and unhelpful. If I am actually all good and it is just a temporary thing why on earth I felt it for the whole my life? Why now it's come to me with such an impact that I can not think about anything clearly, I forget things, I can't concentrate, I'm so sad, empty, lonely, feel like people at work are lying to me constantly, I trust no one but I tell them about all the pressure and feelings I have, I hate myself because I'm week. I harm myself , and actually find a better way than before. I am not banging my head, now I am scratching, it leaves bad marks but it lets me somehow control my urge to self harm as when I see what I have done and how bad it looks like, I think. I just wish I could find a quick solution for all my feelings to go away or at least reduce the amount of the emotions I feel.
Anyway going back to my GP, she just was terrible she made me feel like I am making myself mentally ill, as emotions and feelings I have are normal. It sucks, terribly, big time! I thought that I have to kill myself for doctors actually to see that I really need help, but then it will be too late. I am already tired of all the effort I had put into contacting GP and going through all the details of the feelings and emotions I'm experiencing. Now for them to tell me that they cannot diagnose me it's pointless, and makes me so angry as they don't put enough effort in finding out for me - at least it is what I feel. They could possibly arrange appointment for me with mental health services just to have a proper assessment done by a professional who actually is experienced in the field, but no , there was no effort from GP- they are useless, incompetent, generally not trusted and very unhelpful. They don't understand and what is worst they don't want to understand, they cannot feel what you feel and for them is such a normal thing to judge you without realising how much pain they cause you. Fore more she made me feel belittle, very upset and completely disappointed.
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