hello

Well, hello, I just realised that actually my last post was over a year ago!!! The time flies, the trouble that it actually don't cure the emotional instability. I am still, as I was before, so ...., hm..., they call it Borderline.

Now, I was actually diagnosed with BPD in march 2013, well, surprise here, as I read my clinic letters from the consultant. How I omitted this little detail?! I know I am not crazy, but it is just showing this same pattern every year, or even more often. Last year at this same time, approximately, I was feeling low and distressed. Let's call it depressed, now I feel quiet high I rage and I am over confident, well people perceive me as such. I gather I will use it for my benefit. But who I really am?

Am I, this confident person with good eye contact, knowing exactly what I want, or am I just a little girl who tries to be a grown up and the situation make me this big bad wolf.  This is the toughest part, the identity issues, I am frightened, angry and hurt inside. But at outside I will smile, laugh, and people will think I am ok. But am I?

I rage and grief, the situations which don't depend on me hurt me so much. Work wise things are bad, liers and posers every step of the way. I am just tired and confused by all those people on the high positions who do not follow the procedures, policies or a best practice. I don't understand how can you work as an HR business partner and not do the right thing. Cruel world.

XOXO

reality or delusions?

Well I have a fear of going back to work, I called my psychiatrist office on thursday and left a message that I would like her to contact me . Well the secretary most likely did not acknowledge my message as she did not called me back.

I am bloody worried that they all at work just wait for my return and they will not do what they said they will. I do not trust any of those people, they make me believe that they have my best in their action , but really they screw me over after that. Well the person I trusted turned around to be a bully, and how can I trust her. Going back to work will make it so hard now, as I have actually emailed her the whole story of my feelings.
Believe me I don't talk about my feelings with no one, only my hubby sometimes. I tend to keep it all to myself. I say I am alright but truly I feel like drowning, I hate to admit that I struggle or I'm hurt or anything else for that matter.

I think I like to believe that I'm fine and disregard my feelings, and then at home in my own peace I just start to feel those all emotions. I feel like I can not go back to work, as all of them will most likely question all I put in this email. I know it, I feel it in my bones, I hate it , I'm scared to go back.

Is this a real fear where I have real grounds to feel that way or is this a delusional fear where I don't  have the grounds ?
I feel let down , confused, frightened, tired, not capable to make any decisions currently. I'm sad :( don't know what to think or do.

I need to call my psychiatrist again as I just can not cope, I get really bothered, but I'm scared to call her as well.
I feel crap, huh , in pain.

xoxo

so I had taken time off - possible trigger be aware

Well it was to good to be true, my gut feeling was right, there was something hanging in the air. From my last post you could read I was in the office with my manager. What happened is so damn painful. I work hard at work and don't like to share my personal stories with people. They look at me like I am a weirdo , as I don't tend to lunch with colleagues, or gossip about others, or talking nonsense when I have hands full of work. I always say I'm fine even if my stomach is upside down, and the invisible hand squeezing my throat that I am unable to breath, when I shout at colleagues as I feel threatened and can not other way deal with it.

I went to see GP on thursday , obviously informing my manager that I will not be coming to work - I agreed to help out as I had been asked by her. As thursdays I am usually off. I had written that I have been bullied by her and I am feeling rather rough.Then after  a visit at the practice I called and spoke to one of my colleagues saying that I do not want to talk to my manager, and can she pass the message to my supervisor. On return home I have received an email from my manager saying that she in no way wanted me to feel bullied and obviously mentioned the meeting on tuesday and that she have supported me by offering me place in her office. I did not reply right away but I did this same evening , this is what I wrote:

I did not mention the conversation which we had on Tuesday I said in general I felt bullied on several occasions and over a few months time now. I just feel like I can not cope with this kind of ''support'' anymore. Your email is written so well, I will take this opportunity to write how I felt on those numerous occasions.

When I started to work for the department I really felt supported by yourself I found you very helpful and demanding which made me feel worthy. You pushed me hard and appreciated me, which was what I needed and I tried even harder. I was able to do my job, plus the job of the secretaries (band 3 and 4) in their absence, and you never told them that I should not do their job, but you have  stressed on few occasions that, I should not ask or expect someone on lower band to do part of my work. 

This was when T..... was offering to help print labels and wristbands just before I went on my annual leave, which you have made a big deal out of , saying that she is band 2 and I have not done my job as I should, and that T...... shouldn't do the job of someone on band 3. That was the first time you have shouted and belittled me in front of all colleagues which you have called to the room. I have walked out on you then, all shaken and in tears, and I was glad that I had my leave and I won't have to come in the next day. 

You stressed yesterday as well that, I quote ''you get paid to do everything including bringing files'' - well do I have a time for that? In your opinion I do and I do not utilise my time accordingly to the needs of my role.

You said that I am  being extremely rude to the PATIENTS which was indicated by my colleagues. This had happened on one occasion (!) and I feel like it was justified, as I had spoken to the patient very politely and tried to explain to him that he have the wrong informations but he would not listen what I wanted to say and called me stupid.  I will not be called stupid by no one even a patient. There is a specific procedure which prevents staff from being abused by patients, either over the phone or face to face. In my opinion you should be aware of that , and as I had been trying to speak to the patient politely and nicely and he started to be abusive verbally I have raise my voice and told him that if he doesn't want the procedure he doesn't need to have it and then K.....  said I can not shout at the patient - but I will get back to that later. The other K.....  temp staff) have spoken to him on that day as well and she came up to me and have said that this PT is extremely rude.

The women that I have cancelled off the list ,as I couldn't get in touch with her after she confirmed the appointment by phone, did I treated her rudely , no , did I raise my voice , no, did I by any means treated her wrong , no. But yes I shouted back at Karen and Reema as they had jumped on me speaking one by another, that we don't cancel patients , who had confirmed their  appointment. I have tried to explain that they are wrong but obviously the only wrong here was me, again. For shouting  at my colleagues who weren't helping me with the aggressive behaviour indicated towards me. 

Well with this patient I came to you much earlier and said she DNA'd on a couple of occasions, I can not contact her to confirm that she will be certainly attending her appointment, you were with Rob at a time and you both said to cancel her and put a comment - unable to contact the patient. Where there was more DNA'S than usual , K..... and R..... both said you had come in and asked THEM why there were so many DNA's and they told me that they HAVE told YOU that I called each PT to confirm their attendance, and on that day they had turn around and told me that they never heard about it!? Then you told me that maybe it was S....... who told me to remove the PT , but it was actually you and Rob. 

As for colleagues who feel i have been rude to them I'm sorry but on a few occasions I felt attacked by two people loudly talking to me and stressing that I can't RAISE MY VOICE at the patient who was rude to me or cancel a PT. Without prior asking why did I cancel it and arguing that we only contact a PT when they did not confirmed?! As soon as K..... pointed it out not to shout at the PT I have transferred the call to her so she could  deal with that. It happened a couple of times that I had raised my voice at R.....  this was the way I reacted at the time. R..... never raises her voice but she  aggressively talked to me saying that something is done different way then I have been told to do, obviously everyone will think I'm the bad one because I aggressively and loudly defend myself. 

My problem is that I have issues related to my behaviour and unfortunately at times I am unable to control them , as you know I have emotionally unstable personality disorder which is not an excuse, but as well it is not something which can be cure with a medication. I work hard on improving my behaviour but it doesn't always work. 

As to Tuesday meeting, yes, you have said you will give me the support but did you really supported me? Yes you have offered to me to be with you in your office and I think it helped me, as there is no nonsens being talked about and gossip which constantly comes through the door. I don't see people chatting on the phone to a colleague about something not related to their work when I feel sinking in the mud of my workload. Which helps me to do my work without distractions. But how otherwise did you supported me exactly?

You have said that there is a lot of complaints about my flexi lists and that the job I'm doing is not good at all. That the complaint are coming from senior management and that you have to defend my capabilities, that there are complaints from clinicians. But what are the complaints you still haven't told me , to only one issue you strongly stressing out are BREACHES. I try to be the best I can but it seems it's not enough, and I feel  it will never be. Those things hurt, it hurt to be told that everyone have issues with me, not only with me but with my work as well, this makes me lose the last bits of  confidence I had. This is painful as I always pride myself by my work, and on tuesday I felt crap, completely belittled. 

You have told me on tuesday to seek support from a supervisor when I feel like I can not accomplish my work, which I have done yesterday , and what have you done? You have told me that I should prioritise my work better , what mean ''better''?

Through my working hours I have booked, reschedule , personally called to offer an appointment ,search for the phone numbers, search for PT's files, put referrals in the system which were on my desk that morning, printed wristbands and labels, put requests on power chart, put the names on the lists for 23rd -1 list and 24th -2 lists - October , dealt with general patients queries. And I have asked for HELP with notes, have been told by Karen that she is busy and I should ask Vinesh as he is urology band 2 - these were her words. So I did , he then replied that he is busy himself and will not be able to bring me one set of notes. I dealt with it to make sure all is ready for Albany clinic today. And again I did not finish my job on time. You have said that sometimes it will be good to stay this half an hour longer to finish of my job. Well I do not agree as for this time no one pay me, why should I do a voluntary work where I am  treated badly.

On my return to the office you said that you were just emailing me about an email from V..... about the letter ?!  When I have asked you what letter you started to tell me in a raised voice that Vinesh send me an email at 1.30 to say that I need to find the set of notes my self. Then you started saying that we had a conversation about V...... helping me the day before - well we did not, that he isn't one to help me, then again I am not doing what I should - meaning - useless. 

 Now how this should make me feel? There was no notes for some of the PT's, as they weren't seen at K......, or the notes were off site which meant that they would come in today at 8 in the morning, and that someone had to go to health records library to pick them up , so the consultant will have the notes. I had spoken to A.... unit , on my return from searching for that one file which V.... was not able to help me with, and ask S..... to pass a message to E.... that she will have to collect the notes herself or send a porter to collect them from Health records this morning. Is it their job? No , is it mine? No . It is the job of health records staff , but as those people were booked late I had to find where the notes are, I had to request them, I had to go and talk to people about the notes being ordered. Where was your support? 

Instead you shouted at me and try to convince me that we talked about V..... supporting me, you pointed out my lack of organisation skills and lack of planning. Well I shouted back, I first time in a while felt I did a great job, well you crashed me, made me feel useless, neverless I was thinking to come in today to support the department .

In the addition I have said that the hours I have is not enough to cover my workload , you have said you will talk to S..... about it. You said you understand my point when I said that we have additional consultant who is doing additional clinics, as well as you and S..... know there are breaches being sent back from Q... Hospital and R..... agreed to take them on board, did anyone informed me? No. Did anyone thought this is addition to my work? No , you have told me IT IS MY JOB! So you want me to do all this extra job without additional support, and that's wrong, and then you are courageous enough to question my abilities and skills. But now look at this from my perspective and put yourself in my position and tell me my that do do my job within 19 hours is enough.

I was ok when leaving work yesterday but when arriving home I had all those feelings of being let down, being treated wrongly, instead of  helping me to stand up, you were throwing bricks under my legs so I fell once and once again. I felt little, worthless, hurt, sad and in pain as the person I thought is there to help me just stabbed me in my back. I felt so many emotions at once that it was hard to breath. 

From the time I started this role, it was nothing like a support from you, it was a blaming game which finally put me down enough that I feel like I can not cope. I had actually had a conversation about it with my psychiatrist, and she actually see the difference in my behaviour which is quite significant. 

Sometimes you should stop being a fighter and try to be a bit sensitive. I can not always express myself and at times I need a while to find out what exactly are my feelings and this is why I get all those emotions after some time. This is why I felt bullied,  as your actions caused my anxiety,  lost a confidence in my capabilities , your words made me feel really bad I felt attacked by you again, as you know it was not a first time and you know you are not entirely a calm type of person yourself. 

You actually first time on Tuesday said that I started off very well when I just came to do the job, but straight after you have told me that senior management does complain about my lists and this same my capabilities, as you mentioned the meeting you had and you and Saff had to defend me as they question my training and if I know what I am doing. You said it was the assistant chief executive herself!

I think this show you how I feel about the whole situation. Sorry for the length of this email , but I want you to understand how I have felt and what really bothers me.

I am currently emotionally shattered, I just don't want to have another massive breakdown. 

I will probably be back on the 6th November as I am currently on the sick leave to which I have doctors note.

Kind Regards

........

She replied to my email the next morning saying:

........., when you wake up call me, the doctors’ note is fine.

You know I support you. Call me on my mobile or work phone so when you come back we will have tools in place to make your job easier and for you to do what you do best, working hard and achieving results.

I believe in you that is why I supported you in applying for this job.

Well what can I think ? There was a couple more emails as Dr advised not to communicate with my work , but it still bothers me . It hurt me that it had to come to the point I was gasping for breath for them to realise that they may have done a wrong thing, actually. I should come back on the 6th as per the email below we should discuss some changes, see below: 

Let me cheer you up do not feel down, I am going to discuss the extention of your hours if 37.5 is not available what hours do you suggest 20? 25 hr?

 I believe in you always have, trust in your decisions.

 So we will devise a plan structure of your day. What is important first and so on.

 A clear working space, and a clear directive of what is your role and how secretaries and DSU fall in to support and how you support them.

 We will work out a plan with health records regarding the notes.

 Let me know if I have missed anything. I want you to return when you feel better; I also want you to know you are needed and are an important member of my team.

 Remember you are the lead co-ordinator for cystoscopies- you are in charge.

 Let me know what you think of my plan.

 Kind regards

How can she think this can cheer me up? I'm one bloody confused, unsure and frighten individual and I don't know what to do. I would like someone to come to work with me on the day when I will be returning, someone who will be supporting me , but no one close to me , either a work colleague, I don't really want them to know what I am suffering from and how frightened I am and have a lack in my confidence, especially that I have BPD. I know it might solve some issues at work or it might not. I don't want to feel more uncomfortable than I am now, I'm having those thoughts like they already talk about me. I am trying to ignore that but as you may know it is beyond my control and I have this little devil on my shoulder saying to me how bad I am and how colleagues, definately, have so much to say about me. 

BPD is really hard, it is like living with an enemy. You try to always oversee it, but it strikes when you less expect it. This is like a devil which waits hidden for awhile and then jumps on trying to suffocate me. The feel of guilt , patheticness, peti,  restlessness, depression, anxiety, food binging, constantly sleeping. It is awful.

I have asked my GP for propranolol, well she said because my asthma I can not take it, and because there nothing really for anxiety, as I am still on citalopram, she can not prescribe me anything.

This is so cruel, I am worried, worried sick of what to do next. Should I come back when my sick note is finished or should I take more time off? Who to ask to come with me , I don't want anyone from occupational health or HR. I thought to call my psychiatrist and ask if she has any advice. I am tired

If any of you dear followers have any ideas, please comment.

I would really appreciate advice.

XoXo

work

I have been very angry over last couple of weeks, well the good thing is that it was directed on my work colleagues not on my family. Well not good as good , but you know what I meant. This put me in a lot of trouble as shouting at idiots is classified as being rude and bullying assumption.

Well my problem is that
1. They don't really know me
2. If they will pay more attention to me they would see drastic change in my behaviour
3. instead of telling me how i should act and behave they might consider talking to me and maybe asking what happened
4. not attacking me like vicious dogs as it felt like I was surrounded without ability to escape so I bite back

I just hate the feeling like they all are so against me , not helpful, so judging. Unnecessary hardship for me , now I am working in my manager office. I don't know how to feel about it. She is being so nice to me, I don't know why. I feel thretend and sad I just think why she is so nice. Offered me a space in her office so I don't have to work side by side with those predators who feel like they are victims.

I am vigilant, but it worries me .

just the thoughts

So now I know that I have BPD , diagnosed in 2013, and possibly bipolar. Today I thought like I am more depressed again, having thoughts of harming myself, though I haven't done it so far( for maybe 2 months now). I eat chocolate like a bread, although I think of keeping healthy. But for some reason I am not doing it. About mood diary I think I will start from today. I want to exercise but I am not strong enough to do it. I am waiting for my energy to kick off full power so then I can do things , it will be the good breaking point. As if it kicks off then I can start doing things and I know that even if I become low I can still carry on for some reason. But I can not start , I am unable to, if I am low and no matter how hard I try it just doesn't work for me. I will try some diet only fruit and veg, and I hope I will be able to do it. This starts from tomorrow. I know I am postponing that and I shouldn't but hopefully this will give me the opportunity to prepare some food for a few days ahead. I hope this will work this time. Even taking into consideration the weather right now , it's dark , rainy , miserable, no sun at all, this do affect me, probably, but not as much as before. I still feel like sleeping a lot, but I am able to pull myself and cook dinner, feed pets and tidy up. Which is great turn around , so I'm not only sitting eating and watching tv. My life is very boring and dull , like I have no interests at all , besides watching animal planet and discovery science. I like to know things and actually I realised I  will be great working with animals. That will be lovely thing. But I would want to have it connected with some admin job, like a receptionist in vet surgery. That will be so nice. Well let see how the life will go for me. I hope only for better things to happened now.

xoxo

And here it goes

I had returned to work yesterday after 5 weeks of not being there I felt a bit stressed out the day before. Surprisingly woke up  yesterday morning and felt so energetic. Done my make up , dressed , took David to school and went to work. It was a very calm day like there was nobody which make me upset or agitated. It was nice , with one exception. As I came in gone to the office sat by my desk, I have been asked to leave. Ok, I thought I have the logins and passwords and I can use store manager office to do some work. Surprise  log ins had changed during my absence as well as passwords. So I haven't done any work until about 12pm!

Then I asked Riki what shell I do? She said to set the wall with the sign, so for the 2 remaining work hours I set up the wall with nicely cut out letters .

The day gone passed quickly. And then I started to concentrate on my mood and behavior through the day.

When I woke up I couldn't get up of the bed and then when I get out of the bed I hit energy spark. I was moving quickly, had a shower, help my son to dress up to school, made him breakfast, dry and modeled my hair, packed his lunch , done my make up , feed the ferret and a cat, dress myself and still had a bit of time left before the school run. When going to school I felt like my nerves in my legs are kind a tense but it was not because of stress I felt the urgency to run , so I walked quickly almost keeping up with David riding his scooter.
Looking back the day before I had similar energy spark, on saturday and sunday I had the urgency to spend moneyso we went shopping. Though I have my fridge set with food for another 3 -4 weeks! I was smoking more through those days and ate less than usual . Then yesterday I kind a binged on food again. And for breakfast today I had a strawberry bon bons ! Daaa , and I actually was considering a healthy food like a porridge with seeds and honey.

So, I am going up and down with my moods, and problem I have is that I do not recognise it myself. Sometimes something normal and regular in my point of view is too high and considered to be a hypomanic episode. Well at the moment I am on CITALOPRAM, and it doesn't really have much of side effects on me which I think is pretty good. Though I read that ppl who suffer of bipolar and take SSRI med become more manic. It doesn't happening to me. Or I might not realise that.

I should write it all down, keep a mood diary!

xoxo

And what to do?

So I had seen my psychiatrist who actually broke up our relationship as she was taking another job in other hospital. She said that Amanda (ex psychotherapist) and her had spoken about me recently , and that they got into conclusion that I actually might have Bipolar.

Well that was a bit of surprise, and yes now I see the light and why they say that. Though she didn't put her diagnosis  she said it is worth to try Lithium or Depakote. She promised to send a letter to my GP and advise him further what to do. So I received my letter without the page where she had said what steps to take and what dosage to prescribe. Well , my GP did not receive this letter and so he couldn't give me any advice on that. Surprisingly when I returned to see him after 2 weeks he had the letter and said that he is not able to carry on or even start me on depakote. Then with lithium I have to be stable on medication so they could carry it over from psychiatrist.


Loads of misinterpretation, not knowing or other shit is going on with thw bloody NHS, Doctors are not capable of doing anything, one is saying one thing and the other is saying other thing, that makes me hate them and what is worse it makes me more and more frustrated. Like now I had 4 weeks off because I have been depressed and how can I get better if I have idiots dealing with my health. GRRRYYY

So any way nothing will happened until 18 November as this is the day I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We will see what she will say.

Going back to bipolar I realised that I haven't got much of manic episodes. Now when I stayed at home for the first 2.5 week I felt very week and tired and sleepy and then I had like 3 - 4 days doing stuff, smiling ,giggling, waking up at night and play computer games , cleaning  and then I thought I'm cured my depression is gone . And then relapsed again but not as severe as before , now I feel kind of steady but I know that this depression hasn't gone yet.

So what should I do?

I am about to change my surgery as the one I am with now is shitty one with terrible patient service. Well I hope that it will be a good choice, at least I might be able to book an appointment with this same GP!

Well that's it for now XOXO

CONFUSED ME ....( THE POST WHICH i HAVEN'T POSTED)

  I had seen my psychiatrist on friday , she is so scary. I mean I am frightened when talking to her , she realised that and asked me why. So I said because she is psychiatrist and because I have to tell her my secrets and because I don't know her, and I didn't said that, but she is the doctor for the crazy ppl.

  I know she is there to help me, but still this is horrifying for me, as I got to terms when I am scared of myself , coz I know I am "normal" - for other ppl this means crazy. I don't undorstand normal , I would rather say that other ppl are ordinary and I am the one with "extra " at the front of ordinary. Any ways I am scared coz I can not fully control myself, my actions are out of order at times, and I feel so frightened after the suicidal thoughts passed by. I think then what would happened if I will acctually commit suicide , what will happened to my son , he will be without his mum . Then my husband how he will cope with my death. That's bloody scary , but I got to this point after I pull myself away from my sick thoughts. Then I think how sad and pathetic that is , and why do I even consider to overdose , rip my veins out or hung myself.

Then I know that I need more help and that being extraordinary is a har work everyday of every week of every month. They are days like those past two weeks when I feel capable , energised , motivated , steady. But then I know that those dark heavy clouds will gather up one day above me , and then I will be in this sad pathetic state again, which I hate .

Well the psychiatrist thinks that I will be better off with the DBT as my theraphy doesn't help me much. Well that made me feel sad and in some way offended , because I love Amanda . She maybe doesn't help me much to stop, binging and self harming , but I know she is there for me every week. I know I can talk to her about everythink what bothers me , and hurt me and about the feelings which acompany me through the day. I know that I need her.

We started to talk about my mother , and I started to realise that there were so many hidden memories which just started to comming up. It is worrying that I realised that I never been cuddled or hugged, never my mother or father told me they loved me. Like at the moment I feel like I had never been loved. I think having sex with anyone made me feel loved , important, and needed.

THINGS

I haven't been here for a while and a bit has changed. Meaning, I got the HR role in my place of work , which I thought will be an excellent challenge and experience for me. Though how sad and disappointed I am now. The thing with that is that I haven't been trained to do the job , and I am now 6 weeks in the job. My current role is payroll entry and printing holidays for colleagues. I am fed up , feeling more anxious from day to day . I feel like I don't want to go to work , like I want to stay in bed forever. Though when I go out and reach the workplace then I am kind a settled. I hate not to be able to deal with something , and to be honest if I wont be nosy and curious I wouldn't definitely know more than half of the things I know now. Annoying.
#
I even thought to go off sick as I just get so frustrated and hurt because of that , I don't know if they are people who understand what I am going through right now. I don't know if it is just me or not. Well I am feeling low lately I think some kind of depressive mood s taking over.

I don't see my therapist for a while now , I miss her a bit as she was the one I could open up to without making myself feel guilty. I had someone to talk to , which now I haven't got anyone.
I still struggle at night with those weird attacks where I can not breath. The doctor  doesn't know what is actually wrong with me, they decided to refer me to the respiratory specialist, but still they are 90% sure that those attacks are not a respiratory problems, but kind a rough panic attacks.

Fed up.

I just feel like nothing is going right , I haven't got money . We are in such debit at the moment that I don't even want to think about it. I am strongly disappointed with my job, I am fatter than I was last time. I am bigger 2 sizes. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

My head hurts and I feel so tired , it is all because of the junk food I am fed on. The job which doesn't give me any satisfaction, and struggle with money. Adding to that the fat tum, double chin, bloody night attacks, and the overwhelming sadness. I just want to hide in the small hiding hole, where no one and nothing could find me.

xoxo

Randoms, who am I ?

It is hard to live as me. I am troubled mind with the mood reaching the sky high. I am unable to control myself , as my therapist said on the last session that there are people who can not resist the need of having a chocolate , or a cigarette , alcohol, food etc. but with me is more than food and dieting and cigarettes. I am one of those people who feels like a failure constantly. Did you ever had the voice in your head telling you what to do ? How worthless you are and that you don't deserve to be happy, what a nightmare you are as you  are fat , overeat , making yourself sick , sex with a disgusting man ,cutting , punching, hitting yourself and you just can not resist the need of doing so. Then you feel sad because you ask yourself why? Why do I do that why I don't  have a control over my own life, why I hurt myself with the rage, and those closest to me. I wonder, how it is to be ordinary, the life most likely is much easier, I want to believe. For me I have to fight the nightmares of everyday living. I can not be alone, as when I am, I have this disturbing thought and voices in my head which doesn't want to shut up. Even if I want the other me to shut the hell up , she might laugh, saying how much stronger she is , than that weak me, which everyday wakes up facing all the challenges. The other me is the thought one, she doesn't give a shit about anything and anyone, and sometimes I wish that she might stay out forever, and this little scared me will go to the second plan.  Only to come out when there is no storm outside ( peaceful day with sun shining and kind ppl around) . Well that's how I  think about her. I like the rough me coz I know I can handle a lot then , and no one will be able to take advantage of me. There is the other point I had decided that I won't see the man with whom I cheat on my husband , just because I realised how disgusted I am by him . He is awful and so stupid and just OMG not worth it. Well I presume that sleeping with him was like a punishment for me , although for what ? I haven't got idea. I always had someone disgusting on the side, only for the sex, I always felt physically dirty , ashamed , I felt like I deserve to feel belittled.  Though I hate when in my professional life someone belittles me , then I feel attacked and try to hide I think that everyone is against me , and I am so fragile at that point. Although I will fight my husband if tries to do that, he is not able to make me small if he do I either feel very small and cry or very rough and powerful and then I hurt him.

Well I still discover who I am , what happened in my life to cause such a chaos. If this was my parents fault and I got to he point that I felt so abandoned then I looked for a bit of attention in men and my weapon was sex for that matter. Or I am an attention seeker , I definitely am , but why? I want to be the best in everything I do , I want to show that I am capable of everything . At work I try to be as strong as I possibly can , but it doesn't work like that sometimes.

Well now my therapist is telling that she thinks I am more of bipolar to her, fair enough , you know that life is like never ending story , we still discover chapters everyday writing he pages of the life we live . She knows what to look up for when I am coming to see her where for me , when I saw psychiatrist it was like hours may by days. Well she said she will try to feedback her observations to the psychiatrist I see. She even thinks I might need more psychiatrist then therapist , well I don't know . I feels comfortable with her, but now I suspect that she doesn't want to see me as much as I want to see her. Is it true ? Or is it another part of me being irrational. I want to discover who I am and I will take everything they are able to offer to find out who I am and why I am like I am.

Thought life.

Xoxo

Liars

I feel so dump, for trusting people .
The only person not a professional and not my husband who I did trust the most betrayed me, again!

There was the time I needed to sort things out at work , and he came across as a trustworthy person , who is able to understand what I am going through. I give him all the details about my health for him to be able to understand, and now I feel like a foul. Just because today he said something completely different the we discussed before. It was about the bonus we receive yearly at work , I didn't get it. Though 3 weeks back he said I will get it , and that I should spend those money to go away and relax , and now he tries to tell me that it wasn't the case. Liar , that is the only word stuck in my head from the moment I spoke to him today.

Now I am in the position where I hate that I trusted him , it is not about the bonus anymore , it is about the trust I put in him. I don't give a daim for the bonus, I don't fucking care, I am pissed off because he lied , I don't want his fucking pity. I will survive and get stronger from day to day.

Just because he said he have to think what to do about this bonus, I thought what the hell? Then I said that he told me that I will get it, what a naive idiot am I , he said he have to have time to reflect on it. What the fuck to reflect on , he could say , sorry I have done mistake , I told you you will get it but I haven't put this through the system, I will think if we can do something about it. I will understand and I wouldn't call him a liar, but in the way he spoke to me and the way he dealt with things makes me so angry, not only at him but myself,

I feel so disappointed and so tired of liars. I feel like I want to harm myself as my soul hurts again!

I feel exhausted, and I hate, and I am so disappointed.

Don't trust anyone, as there is no one in the world that want to genuinely help you

I still don't learn from my mistakes.

xoxo

tough time

I am tired of people , tired of all that crap they say and do. Why? I again had been in a situation which made me feel worthless and hopeless without ability to understand what have been going on. As I came to work on Wednesday last week I had seen that my name have been removed from supervisor schedule, it was frightening and immediately made me feel anxious to a state I didn't want to be at work. I had seen my manager but he looked occupied so I decided not to disturb him , and just  wait until he will come  over and talk to me about it. Though this didn't happened , well long story short, he said that I am doing mistakes and forget things, and it will be best FOR ME to be on the till for 2 WEEKS !!! I felt like this is punishment for my incompetence as a person in charge , where actually it wasn't.

A couple of days earlier I had a conversation with my store manager and he asked me what he can do to help me go through the tough time. I said I don't really know, I was confused and not in the state to really decide. Then on Wednesday it was him who actually made the decision for me, which I would understand , as we had this talk , beside he knows everything about me and the difficulties I am currently experiencing.

My department manager is a piece of shit, he is the worthless person ever who doesn't know how to work with people is very unprofessional and dumb. Yes those are the words I can describe this person with.

He hurt me so much that the next day I was really suicidal, I called Mind and the hospital with which I am outpatient and talked to a social worker on duty who actually helped me to go through the tough period of time. I hate that it makes me feel weak and I hate to feel weak. One idiot can screw your life completely.
It makes some sense.

He have very visible behaviours like my mother, this brings the mother memory back to me , her being really hurtful and nasty that is how I perceive him.
I feel better now, I hope I won't get in to such a state any time soon.

xoxo

panic attacs

   
       

My panic attacks get worse recently and I am in that position when I am fed up with everything around. I just want to sleep. I found myself in the mood where I think of cutting my veins out just for the sake of being relieved. I feel like I choke with the air I breath I am unable to control my panic and this makes me feel worse every time I have the attack .
 Currently I am so fed up that I don't want to bother with anything. I struggle to keep up with my daily routine and additionally I realised that my husband isn't sleeping well due to my attacks, he is awake every time I am having one. And is still awake when I finally go to bed , which sometimes is an hour or two from the time I woken up. He doesn't want to worry me I think that's why he stays in bed and I think he still thinks that I don't know that he is awake. But when I do go to bed he asks me if my attack had passed , so obviously he is not asleep. Then when I ask him why he is awake, he wont reply to me , sometimes. Well now it doesn't affect only me but people closest to me , like my husband . I hate that feeling. I feel again like it might be better without me , so no one will worry. I will be in peace and their life's could be better. I worry what will happened if my son face the situation , when I will have the attack and then if I will loose consciousness , what he will do , how it will affect him, how this situation will affect me ? So many unanswered questions in my head.

 This is so difficult and sad, as how my 6 yer old can cope with the picture of his mum loosing control, collapsing and not responding ? What affect it will have on his future, will he be afraid all the time, will he cope with this better than I think? I am so scared, like I had never been before. Maybe I should ask my husband to live his job and then he can be with me all the time and then I might feel less anxious , but on the other hand we need the money he is earning to survive. So many questions, like I physically have difficulty to deal with it and think about it puts e in so much emotional pain. I feel again my heart pounding, and I feel like again I am detached from reality around me . I didn't know that detachment is part of anxiety and it is actually a panic attack. I find it out recently as last week my therapist told me that I had panic attacks before I started the therapy. I wasn't sure what she meant so I have done my research and find out that feeling detached , week , weird in sense of being are all panic attacks. So yes I did have them before I started the therapy.

I need a BRAKE , I feel so tired, I feel emotionally exhausted and physically weak.

xoxo

that's me

    Well, I haven't had a full night sleep for ages, because my panic attacks. Tonight I slept so well I did not woke up with attack , and it feels good , feels so ordinary. I feel at ease although still thinking about binging , I have bad cravings and then I eat massive amout of foods , differend foods , as much as my stomach can fill in with , and then I purge. That is how I feel. Before even I will take the first bite I already know that at the end I will purge it out the drain. Why? I dont know , I can not explain that bizzare behaviour. I gained so much weight and I am so upset about it, but I can't control those binges I just eat everythink I will find and then I have to throw up. I feel bad about it , as I havent got money to spend on the food which go down the drain. Making it easier for me will be a king of anorexic turn, this will definately make my life easier, but I am unable to control myself as the anorexic girs do. I am amused by they power over the food and I would love to be as powerful as they are, but unfortunately I am weak. I can not be in control of my food urges, how bad is that ? I know that what I do is bad for me , but I still do it, I undorstand that this have an effects on my health but I still do it , as well as the money spend on food can be spend on somethink else , but no I spend it on the food , which again I stress - is going down the drain! Stupid !

I feel like I need to control it but I cant , I wish I will be more strict with myself , but I am not. I dont pity myself, even if that sounds like it. I am just angry that I loose control. The control I don't have any way.

On the other hand I dont selfharm by cutting, which means I find other ways of harming , which here includes bingeing and purging. So it is the old story , making myself suffer , for some unknown reason. Sometimes I think of cutting, but currently I just think , I don't act which is good , this feels a bit like in control. Like cheatting myself but still it is a kind of a solution for me, right?

I feel calmer and my mind is more clear than before, although I got dizzy very often, like my world is spinning and the picture is weirdly moving, the kind of a wayve motion. Then stops and goes back to normal. Though I know for a fact that it is strange and not quiet normal , but then I just got off the fluoxetine and they give me olazepine, but due to side effects I had stop taking it. I just take propranolol for my anxiety. I suppose to stop it as well, and stay on olazepine but I just can not bare the side effects. I know I should consult my doctor , but she said that I have to carry on with olazepine because it was prescribed by psychiatrist. Well that means that I discontinue it myself, besides the psych said that if those tablets make me gain weight and if I will feel like it's affecting my mood and if it will bother me too much then to stop taking it. Which I did.

Now I have to work on loosing weight again, I want to sign up for a gym a bit later and I bought a bicycle, so I can ride it to work. O and I take orlistat for a weight loss , as I just get so frustrate of the fact I am so fat.

So main focus now is on loosing weight

xoxo

pain

It's 2.30am , and I feel very low, just because I feel like I missed so much in my life. Now I know what's wrong with me and what steps I should take to make it better. But now I am 32 years old and that's my problem , I feel old and like I can not do so many things. I feel down because I gained those bloody 10kg , grrryyyy, but the hell I still overeat, so why I moan?!

I moan because I gained weight and I feel so low , and I feel sad, and I comforting myself eating, and it is the bloody circle which has no end , right? As this will repeat again and again , like a bloddy pattern.

I think about my grandparents, they died , and I feel so sad , they died years ago. But now I remember visiting them , and it is nice sunny weather. The grass is green , the trees have lovely green leves, it's sunny and so peaceful. I haven't cried for a long time , and I have tears in my eyes now. I feel heavy in my cheast and so sad, I miss that time , I want to go back , I feel like I want to be this little girl back again. I feel like then I was happy , worry free. My heart hurts and tears drop from my chicks. It feels weird, I don't understand why this is happening. I am getting concious now,split minustes, and I feel better. Although still sad but better.

I woke up to another panic attack , which is so dreadful. I feellike now I am taking control over it , not fully but I am trying to distract myself , so then the attack last way shorter then they did before.

I think about my nan again, and it just makes me more sad and brings those childhood memories. And I feel like I don't want to think ABOUT IT . So good night, till the next time.

xoxo

please help with weight loss!

Hello,

I don't know what to say , I had been thinking to writ some post for ages but never actually did it as my head was completly empty. I think due to my medication changes I had been more of a stranger to myself than I had ever been before.

I am currently stopping fluoxetine, which on one hand is good as I never thought that this medication helped me in any way. Now though, I feel like I need it , such a coincidence, I suppose to stop the propranolol as well , and started olazepine 2.5mg for my panic attacks which doesn't help.

I was taking olazepine for the past 2 weeks , and I feel like dying , why ? Because I gained so much weight! I mean 7kg !!! I want to tear my hair off , and want to scream , and eat more and I am so angry that I get all the bloody side effects, but the med doesn't work as it should. My panic attacs are more recent then before , for them now there is backing off. I started to cary on with propranolol , I hope it would help, as I am genuinly fed up with the way my life goes at the moment.

I am signed off work for a week and I might take additional week just to try and sort myself out, I don't feel well at all , I am tired , frustrated, eating like a food monster. I want to loose weight again!!!
7 kg can you imagine ?!

 I WOULD WELCOME TIPS AND ADVISE HOW TO STOP EATING PLEASE I AM VERY DESPERATE AND VERY ANGRY AND SAD. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

I have often panic attacs , they are 3- 4 times a day and olazepine isn't helping, the only thing it did was to make me gain weight :( So I decided to stop it , as my belly is bigger than my boobs at the moment, I have difficulty moving, I am tired , constantly hungry, feeling sick because of so much food in my stomache. Grrrrrr ! I am so angry that I couldn't manage it better.

I think of selling something on ebay , I actually thought about make up , like CK , LOREAL, MAC, BENEFIT and all those known brands. Well I want to see how well I will be able to manage it. Then I will have a bit of satisfaction - maybe.

I purchased a bike, nice , new, purply - pink, and I havent ride it yet. Well I actually bought it for work and small grocery shopping. Believe me it is such a nice bike , which looks and fill very big.

I feel tired it is 4.02, I might have a cigarette and go back to bed

xoxo

thoughts and actions

I haven'                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  t been here for a while, but I am back noe. Why I didn't post for so long? I just didn't thought of doing it. My last post was about the LABLE I received frm the psychiatrist. Now a afew weeks on and I am gaining terrible amount of weight , I am currently 110 kg !!!!

So I decided to take tis in my own hands , meaning - I will stop olazepine , just because from the time of taking it I gained 7kg, which is around 2.5 week. Not good !!!

This makes me even more anxious and unhappy, well the weight gained and the panic attacks I have.
From today I am cutting olazepine and I will see how my weight will go .
I still have my panic attacs which are so kommon now.They make me so exhausted.

I am cutting on fluoxetine as well, and I should stop propranolol. But considering all prons and cons I will stop olazepine and cary on with propranolol and we will see if there is an improvement. I am just so tired and fed up with them attacks.

XOXO

BPD it is

So I have a diagnosis of BPD which isn't a surprise for me. I can say that I knew it , but well, I wanted a professional opinion. So now I understand that this wasn't just my imagination playing but there was an actuall cause to it , called BPD. tHe psychiatrist asked me if I am happy with diagnosis, and I felt like they had given me what I wanted and let me go home. As the psych said they don't want to label people, but this had to be done. There was concern of bipolar, well maybe in some point I suffer of it to. Well I fell like I suffer of all kinds of mental problems some times. Well I know what the main is.

felling it

I feel tired , when I woke up in the morning everything was fine. I had the energy to do anything and then I felt tired and I went to lay down, and woke up very tired. I feel exhausted, and have a massive headache, but I just tried to lay down and I couldn't, I felt my heart pounding, and burning sensation in my chest. So I had to get up and sit down, I felt anxious at this same time, I feel like I don't want to go to work tomorrow, but then I have 3 days off so why not to go.

I am sad and I don't know what is the reason for it. I am feeling tired just so tired.

xoxo

ED, Self Harm, panic attack, anxiety, depression ,mania, hypomania, rage, and many more

     I had done a research again , as I do from time to time. I consider myself fit and capable person , with moments of brake down without particular reason or by outside triggers, where my therapist say that I have high sensitivity of my senses vision, hearing, smell, taste, touch . She might be right and there might nothing particularly wrong with me mentally , or she might be wrong and there is more to that, She mentioned previously that she think that I am Bipolar, although I have never mentioned to her that I think I am Borderline. Though I mentioned that I am suspecting to have a personality disorder , where she asked me , what I mean - which one. I said that maybe schizoid , because I am perceiving people as they are talking about me behind my back , and that I feel like they want to make a harm to me. She finalize it with one word - delusional, yes I am , what is worse than that is that I love people or I hate them , and this she doesn't know. She might suspect that but she had never mentioned it to me . Well if you read my posts you can see from them how I think and that at times I trust and like someone, and then the paranoia takes the turn and I feel like I hate that person, and then they will do something nice to me and I become to love them again. It is like a confused circle which doesn't end . Example can be my mother, at times I feel like I love her but most times I hate her as she made so much damage to me when I was a child; my senior manager before I transferred to the store I work for now , he was my guru and then he become the worse person the devil himself - in my eyes, I still hate him thou , coz he didn't even tried to repair the damage he cause to me.



I learned today that in fact I have bulimia, well the doctors knew about it but they didn't take any action to help me with that. I had a post that one doc, said that I have bulimia , and I thought how he can diagnose that without an assessment. So I researched and that is how MAYO Clinic describes it:

Diagnostic criteria for bulimia
To be diagnosed with bulimia, you must meet these criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) published by the American Psychiatric Association:
You repeatedly binge, eating an abnormally large amount of food, and feel that you can't control your eating.
You get rid of the extra calories from bingeing by vomiting, excessive exercise, fasting, or misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas or other medications.
You binge and purge at least twice a week for at least three months.
Your body shape and weight influence your feelings of self-worth too much.
You don't have anorexia, an eating disorder with extremely restrictive eating behaviors.

Even if you don't meet all of these criteria, you could still have an eating disorder. Don't try to diagnose yourself — get professional help if you have any eating disorder symptoms.

So I fit those criteria perfectly. Meaning I have bulimia.



   The self harm it's a big issue for me, I remember that I had abused my body in a sexual way from as long as I can remember. Let say the first memory is when I was about 12 - ish. Then I got naked in winter in the small forest and showed my naked body to my four years younger brother, where he suppose to do this same, but he hasn't. I remember that it was cold, loads of snow and we were going to the church , so it had to be Sunday morning, as service was at 10.30 am. I never talked to him about it and I hope I won't be ever talking to him about it. I had inserted different objects to my vagina, I had slept with most disgusting man you can think of, I had inserted objects in my rectum and masturbate rough to cause pain, to hurt myself. I had tided up my breast that they got purple from lack of blood circulations, my nipples had been damaged many times till the blood come out. I bit myself with a wooden stick, my breast get hit with all sorts of things, they had been squished , pulled, bitten, smacked, hit, you name it they had gone through a lot. Why ? I don't know, I feel the urgency to do it sometimes, and I have this voice in my head which is telling me how worthless and pathetic I am, what a whore am I and how I deserve the worse treatment ever. That the bitch like me needs to be punished, and not to have any pleasure only pain is allowed, at times I cry from the pain. When I was younger it was common for me in winter to go to the forest take off my all clothes and lay in the snow in the freezing cold weather, at times I run and jumped in the forest, making myself think that I am a secret agent who is on the mission. I wasn't scared I had my dogs with me, so even if someone wanted to stop me I had my guards with me.

Then there is hitting with a shoe, stick , hand, fist in the head and the body this usually is because of the pain I feel in my chest and my head, it is overwhelming mental pain with high level of anxiety. This as well add cutting, I cut when I feel rage and when something good happens and I feel like I can not cope with my emotions and the feeling is excessive. I feel hurt and I cut, I feel impatient and nervous I cut, I am sad and worried I cut , I succeed or achieve something I cut, and it really doesn't matter what happened if my emotions change from one extreme to the other then I have to cause myself a pain. They say it is the way of dealing with the feelings.

    Panic attacks, they just came from nowhere and they are disturbing and scary at times. I dislike them the most of all physical issues I have with myself, the cutting , biting, purging it's nothing in comparison to those attacks. They make me weak and frightened, I think it is just because I haven't got the ability to control them , where the other things I have a control and I can choose in some way what I want to do. It is bizarre but the most truthful I have ever thought of, meaning, that now I got to the point of realising why some things happens. Well short story I hate those attacks as I feel vulnerable.

   Anxiety may be caused by external factors - triggers , or just come up without a reason from no where and this is the very best friend of panic disorder which is said to be called Generalised Anxiety Disorder which is :

( GAD) is characterised by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry often is unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear, and dread. Eventually, the anxiety so dominates the person's thinking that it interferes with daily functioning, including work, school, social activities, and relationships.
What are the symptoms of GAD?

GAD affects the way a person thinks, but the anxiety can lead to physical symptoms, as well. Symptoms of GAD can include:
Excessive, ongoing worry and tension
An unrealistic view of problems
Restlessness or a feeling of being "edgy"
Irritability
Muscle tension
Headaches
Sweating
Difficulty concentrating
Nausea
The need to go to the toilet frequently
Tiredness
Trouble falling or staying asleep
Trembling
Being easily startled

In addition, people with GAD often have other anxiety disorders (such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and phobias), suffer from depression, and/or abuse drugs or alcohol.

    I don't know anymore how to cope with all that , it feels like I carry too much on my shoulders. I need a break at times, I hate the pain inside me and I hate the anxiety which is so overwhelming that I want to run away from everything and everyone. I want to cry and I am unable to and then I binge on food and purge as I ate to much , and I cut and hit because I suffer , but doing that it cause more pain more physical pain and so I suffer again. I wake up in the morning and feel anxious and I suffer. I shout and scream and harm closest people to me, so when I realise that I suffer, I never apologise even though I know I done a wrong thing.

   The depression is the thing that meets me here and there every so often, makes me tired and very lazy. Makes me sad without a particular reason and anxiety rich the rooftop. I dislike depression so much just because I am unable to think, concentrate, I feel worthless and unable to do anything. Forget the bath and putting clothes on , I will just exist, which means I am unable to move of the bed and I am even to tired to go to the loo. Well I hate that feeling although I love to be in a manic state.

Mania and hypomania those two states I live on for the last few days. Often now and then I got the period of extra motivation and ambitious plans which are


Symptoms

The following features are associated with mania and also occur in hypomania to a less severe extent:
increased energy and activity
feeling full of ideas with racing thoughts
increased confidence and self-esteem
decreased need for sleep
talkativeness
being easily distracted, and darting from one activity to another
elevated mood, but sometimes increased irritability that can quickly turn to anger
increased sociability and over-familiarity
increased sexual desire and decreased inhibitions
increased involvement in pleasurable activities with little thought for consequences, such as going on a spending spree or making reckless financial decisions
lack of insight, or denial that behaviour has changed
increased awareness of senses such as smell and touch.

These symptoms are things people may experience from time to time, but for most people will not be considered severe enough to receive a diagnosis or require treatment.

Well, life is cruel isn't it? I love the ability to cook and bake stuff. Have a mind fulfilled with new ideas and be curious and vigilant to my surroundings, from different perspective view the world. Honestly I know that a few days ago I could sleep day and night, I was fed up and so bored, and now for two or three days I am energetic and active, with ability to lay in bed all day and not falling asleep, to stay awake till late and then sleep 4 - 5 hours at night. If feels good and it is fulfilling.Though there is a bad bit, very bad bit - rage.


    Rage is the best friend and the worse enemy. I just feel like I am tied up by my anger. That anger is MY dark side which wants to get out of me, but is unable to because I still got some power over it at least at times. I am still strong enough to fight it, and  somehow control it a little bit sometimes. But most of the times it is bad, so bad that I even feel bad when I realise what had happened.


So what is wrong with me then? Or maybe everything is about right. Well I shall find out.
xoxo