panic attacs

   
       

My panic attacks get worse recently and I am in that position when I am fed up with everything around. I just want to sleep. I found myself in the mood where I think of cutting my veins out just for the sake of being relieved. I feel like I choke with the air I breath I am unable to control my panic and this makes me feel worse every time I have the attack .
 Currently I am so fed up that I don't want to bother with anything. I struggle to keep up with my daily routine and additionally I realised that my husband isn't sleeping well due to my attacks, he is awake every time I am having one. And is still awake when I finally go to bed , which sometimes is an hour or two from the time I woken up. He doesn't want to worry me I think that's why he stays in bed and I think he still thinks that I don't know that he is awake. But when I do go to bed he asks me if my attack had passed , so obviously he is not asleep. Then when I ask him why he is awake, he wont reply to me , sometimes. Well now it doesn't affect only me but people closest to me , like my husband . I hate that feeling. I feel again like it might be better without me , so no one will worry. I will be in peace and their life's could be better. I worry what will happened if my son face the situation , when I will have the attack and then if I will loose consciousness , what he will do , how it will affect him, how this situation will affect me ? So many unanswered questions in my head.

 This is so difficult and sad, as how my 6 yer old can cope with the picture of his mum loosing control, collapsing and not responding ? What affect it will have on his future, will he be afraid all the time, will he cope with this better than I think? I am so scared, like I had never been before. Maybe I should ask my husband to live his job and then he can be with me all the time and then I might feel less anxious , but on the other hand we need the money he is earning to survive. So many questions, like I physically have difficulty to deal with it and think about it puts e in so much emotional pain. I feel again my heart pounding, and I feel like again I am detached from reality around me . I didn't know that detachment is part of anxiety and it is actually a panic attack. I find it out recently as last week my therapist told me that I had panic attacks before I started the therapy. I wasn't sure what she meant so I have done my research and find out that feeling detached , week , weird in sense of being are all panic attacks. So yes I did have them before I started the therapy.

I need a BRAKE , I feel so tired, I feel emotionally exhausted and physically weak.

xoxo

that's me

    Well, I haven't had a full night sleep for ages, because my panic attacks. Tonight I slept so well I did not woke up with attack , and it feels good , feels so ordinary. I feel at ease although still thinking about binging , I have bad cravings and then I eat massive amout of foods , differend foods , as much as my stomach can fill in with , and then I purge. That is how I feel. Before even I will take the first bite I already know that at the end I will purge it out the drain. Why? I dont know , I can not explain that bizzare behaviour. I gained so much weight and I am so upset about it, but I can't control those binges I just eat everythink I will find and then I have to throw up. I feel bad about it , as I havent got money to spend on the food which go down the drain. Making it easier for me will be a king of anorexic turn, this will definately make my life easier, but I am unable to control myself as the anorexic girs do. I am amused by they power over the food and I would love to be as powerful as they are, but unfortunately I am weak. I can not be in control of my food urges, how bad is that ? I know that what I do is bad for me , but I still do it, I undorstand that this have an effects on my health but I still do it , as well as the money spend on food can be spend on somethink else , but no I spend it on the food , which again I stress - is going down the drain! Stupid !

I feel like I need to control it but I cant , I wish I will be more strict with myself , but I am not. I dont pity myself, even if that sounds like it. I am just angry that I loose control. The control I don't have any way.

On the other hand I dont selfharm by cutting, which means I find other ways of harming , which here includes bingeing and purging. So it is the old story , making myself suffer , for some unknown reason. Sometimes I think of cutting, but currently I just think , I don't act which is good , this feels a bit like in control. Like cheatting myself but still it is a kind of a solution for me, right?

I feel calmer and my mind is more clear than before, although I got dizzy very often, like my world is spinning and the picture is weirdly moving, the kind of a wayve motion. Then stops and goes back to normal. Though I know for a fact that it is strange and not quiet normal , but then I just got off the fluoxetine and they give me olazepine, but due to side effects I had stop taking it. I just take propranolol for my anxiety. I suppose to stop it as well, and stay on olazepine but I just can not bare the side effects. I know I should consult my doctor , but she said that I have to carry on with olazepine because it was prescribed by psychiatrist. Well that means that I discontinue it myself, besides the psych said that if those tablets make me gain weight and if I will feel like it's affecting my mood and if it will bother me too much then to stop taking it. Which I did.

Now I have to work on loosing weight again, I want to sign up for a gym a bit later and I bought a bicycle, so I can ride it to work. O and I take orlistat for a weight loss , as I just get so frustrate of the fact I am so fat.

So main focus now is on loosing weight

xoxo

pain

It's 2.30am , and I feel very low, just because I feel like I missed so much in my life. Now I know what's wrong with me and what steps I should take to make it better. But now I am 32 years old and that's my problem , I feel old and like I can not do so many things. I feel down because I gained those bloody 10kg , grrryyyy, but the hell I still overeat, so why I moan?!

I moan because I gained weight and I feel so low , and I feel sad, and I comforting myself eating, and it is the bloody circle which has no end , right? As this will repeat again and again , like a bloddy pattern.

I think about my grandparents, they died , and I feel so sad , they died years ago. But now I remember visiting them , and it is nice sunny weather. The grass is green , the trees have lovely green leves, it's sunny and so peaceful. I haven't cried for a long time , and I have tears in my eyes now. I feel heavy in my cheast and so sad, I miss that time , I want to go back , I feel like I want to be this little girl back again. I feel like then I was happy , worry free. My heart hurts and tears drop from my chicks. It feels weird, I don't understand why this is happening. I am getting concious now,split minustes, and I feel better. Although still sad but better.

I woke up to another panic attack , which is so dreadful. I feellike now I am taking control over it , not fully but I am trying to distract myself , so then the attack last way shorter then they did before.

I think about my nan again, and it just makes me more sad and brings those childhood memories. And I feel like I don't want to think ABOUT IT . So good night, till the next time.

xoxo

please help with weight loss!

Hello,

I don't know what to say , I had been thinking to writ some post for ages but never actually did it as my head was completly empty. I think due to my medication changes I had been more of a stranger to myself than I had ever been before.

I am currently stopping fluoxetine, which on one hand is good as I never thought that this medication helped me in any way. Now though, I feel like I need it , such a coincidence, I suppose to stop the propranolol as well , and started olazepine 2.5mg for my panic attacks which doesn't help.

I was taking olazepine for the past 2 weeks , and I feel like dying , why ? Because I gained so much weight! I mean 7kg !!! I want to tear my hair off , and want to scream , and eat more and I am so angry that I get all the bloody side effects, but the med doesn't work as it should. My panic attacs are more recent then before , for them now there is backing off. I started to cary on with propranolol , I hope it would help, as I am genuinly fed up with the way my life goes at the moment.

I am signed off work for a week and I might take additional week just to try and sort myself out, I don't feel well at all , I am tired , frustrated, eating like a food monster. I want to loose weight again!!!
7 kg can you imagine ?!

 I WOULD WELCOME TIPS AND ADVISE HOW TO STOP EATING PLEASE I AM VERY DESPERATE AND VERY ANGRY AND SAD. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

I have often panic attacs , they are 3- 4 times a day and olazepine isn't helping, the only thing it did was to make me gain weight :( So I decided to stop it , as my belly is bigger than my boobs at the moment, I have difficulty moving, I am tired , constantly hungry, feeling sick because of so much food in my stomache. Grrrrrr ! I am so angry that I couldn't manage it better.

I think of selling something on ebay , I actually thought about make up , like CK , LOREAL, MAC, BENEFIT and all those known brands. Well I want to see how well I will be able to manage it. Then I will have a bit of satisfaction - maybe.

I purchased a bike, nice , new, purply - pink, and I havent ride it yet. Well I actually bought it for work and small grocery shopping. Believe me it is such a nice bike , which looks and fill very big.

I feel tired it is 4.02, I might have a cigarette and go back to bed

xoxo

thoughts and actions

I haven'                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  t been here for a while, but I am back noe. Why I didn't post for so long? I just didn't thought of doing it. My last post was about the LABLE I received frm the psychiatrist. Now a afew weeks on and I am gaining terrible amount of weight , I am currently 110 kg !!!!

So I decided to take tis in my own hands , meaning - I will stop olazepine , just because from the time of taking it I gained 7kg, which is around 2.5 week. Not good !!!

This makes me even more anxious and unhappy, well the weight gained and the panic attacks I have.
From today I am cutting olazepine and I will see how my weight will go .
I still have my panic attacs which are so kommon now.They make me so exhausted.

I am cutting on fluoxetine as well, and I should stop propranolol. But considering all prons and cons I will stop olazepine and cary on with propranolol and we will see if there is an improvement. I am just so tired and fed up with them attacks.

XOXO

BPD it is

So I have a diagnosis of BPD which isn't a surprise for me. I can say that I knew it , but well, I wanted a professional opinion. So now I understand that this wasn't just my imagination playing but there was an actuall cause to it , called BPD. tHe psychiatrist asked me if I am happy with diagnosis, and I felt like they had given me what I wanted and let me go home. As the psych said they don't want to label people, but this had to be done. There was concern of bipolar, well maybe in some point I suffer of it to. Well I fell like I suffer of all kinds of mental problems some times. Well I know what the main is.